When we bring an adult perspective to this process of tattling, or telling on someone, we fail to understand what is going on for the tattler. As adults, we aren't sure what to do about tattling and we convey our ambiguity to our children.
On one hand, we USE the information the child gives us to correct another child's behaviour or prevent damage to people and property.
But on the other hand, we tell the tattler that tattling is wrong. 'Don't be a tattletale.'
Children can't cope with such double messages.
In the early years, children are not 'ratting' on someone when they turn into full-time informers. Young children, 2 and 3 years of age, are beginning to understand that some actions are acceptable and some or not. This is the first acceptance of right and wrong.
When a young child (under the age of seven) tells a parent that someone else did an unacceptable thing, the child is really coming to the adult for attention. The child is saying, 'I know it is wrong and I didn't do it, (even though I wanted to).' The child needs the adult to recognise this fact. Most adults either say, 'Don't be a tattletale' or they jump all over the offender. There is a better course of action.
SAY: 'I'm glad you are not doing that. You know better, don't you.'
When a young child comes with a 'someone is doing something' story, we can simply respond, 'I'm glad you are not doing that. You know better, don't you.' Adults are always surprised at how effective this is. Children who do this type of telling often smile and walk away content that the adults in charge know how well-behaved they are.
As a child, it is often easier to have an adult solve your social problems than to work them out yourself. If a child constantly comes to adults to solve problems with other children, the other children will ostracise the child as a 'tattletale.' When children bring adults their complaints about what other children are doing to them, careful consideration is required and questions should be avoided.
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Submitted 354 days ago...
Do children learn "tattle telling" from other children? An only child....
My son never did this before....He has been spending some time with other children and has unfortunately picked up the "tattle telling" thing and I feel its a bit early for him to be doing that! He is 3 and a half. And my family says "oh no, he didnt learn that from him or her, thats nature, they are made that way....bla bla whatever! Am I getting irritated for nothing or what?
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Submitted 354 days ago...
Tattling is unfortunately a behavior that a lot of parents ignore so I applaud your sensitivity to this problem.
Tattling is an inappropriate attention-seeking behavior and probably as you said, learned from his peers. Make it very clear that unless someone is hurt, there is no tattling and stick to this rule. Whether it's taking away a star from their chart or whatever method you use for behavior modification. If you suspect it is to get attention, ignore the statement, this doesn't reinforce what they want (a reaction from you) and eventually it will stop. Tell them you don't listen to tattles so they can identify that is what they are doing, then ignore what they say and try to change the subject.
Another thing that happens with tattling is that it's an immature solution to conflicts. By teaching your child how to resolve conflicts appropriately, they will eventually be able to solve their own problems and when they start to tattle, you can use the tools they have learned to make them solve their own problems. The BEST way to begin this is by playing with your child. Children project themselves onto their toys and can learn to relate to them. Have heman and barbie have a conflict similar to one that you have seen in your son's world so he can related and teach him how to appropriatly resolve the problem.
Tell heman you didn't like it when he drew on your paper
Tell heman that mad you sad
Tell heman you would like him to draw on his own paper
Heman agrees that he will not draw on your paper if you help him reach the paper because you are taller
Simple example but you get the picture. The last note is for you. Kids learn conflict resolution by watching, so make sure that you resolve problems in a healthy manner too!
Good luck
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