Submitted 336 days ago...
Children
I am the stepfather of a 12 yo girl. i came into the picture when she was 10. i also have 2 boys, 7 and 10 from a previous marriage that live with us part time. the problem that i am having is that my girl is now approaching teenager and her attitude has already been there for a long while. she is causing myself and my wife, her mother, a lot of stress. we ground her, taking away tv, computer and friend privelages, but it doesn't seem to help. when she gets in trouble, she will call my wife's parents and get them to call my wife trying to get her some freedom. we are very frustrated with her and nothing we do seems to help. any suggestions?
Answer 1 / 4
Submitted 336 days ago...
Answer 2 / 4
Submitted 335 days ago...
Well..she is only 12 so how much freedom does she think she needs :) The first thing I would do is sit her down and find out what she would like you and her mother to do. Establish guidelines and consequences and gradually let her earn her freedom by staying within the guidelines you and her mother have set forth. It says alot to children when you take an intrest in their "wants" and work with them to come to an agreement. Be the parent but let her know you are willing to work towards a compromise. You are all in this together :)
Answer 3 / 4
Submitted 335 days ago...
I think Angieod has got it down. It's better at her age when she is learning autonomy to ask her what she thinks is fair, what privileges she deserves and what the punishment should be if she breaks the rules. Also try to use appropriate consequences for her actions and rewards. If her curfew is 8 and she's late, make it 7, if she is on time for a month it goes to 8:15. This will teach her real-world consequences to her actions based on a set of rules she helped come up with. Good luck and hang in there for another 8 years and she'll turn around!
I was a product of divorce as well, and I know that I made it hell on my parents when I was 12. The first thing that you need to do is establish with your in-laws that you two are the parents and they shouldn't be telling you to give her more freedoms. They need to respect you two as her parents and not try and impose their form of dicipline.
When you deal with your step-daughter, you have to remember that she is eventually going to use that whole, "You're not my real dad" excuse, so be ready for it. I would try to sit down with her and see what she wants and then you and your wife explain what you want to see. Most tweens/ teenagers want a say in things, so by giving her the opportunity to express herself to you and your wife, that should help to ease some tension. Remember that when you are talking to her, she will like to hear herself more than she wants to hear you or your wife, that is the midset of a teenager. So try to do a lot of listening and as soon as she is done expressing her beliefs, tell her what you and your wife would like to see happen and then let her suggest the compromises. There is going to have to be some give and take on both ends in order to make it through these teenage years, but if you start now it will be a lot easier when she is 16!
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