I need help about marriage

It sounds like you're suffering from depression, which is understandable, but it also sounds like you need counseling to help you deal with your situation. So you need to ask yourself a few questions: Are you willing to do this? Do you feel that it would keep the marriage together? Would your wife be willing to come along to these sessions? Are you willing to make the changes necessary to stay together? Is your wife also willing to make any necessary changes as well? Life is going to be difficult with or without separation. If it's possible for both of you to work together on this, make compromises and reach across the table to the best of your capabilities, you will find that two is better than one when it comes to dealing with everyday life. While you may not believe this at the moment, you still possess some strengths that can prove beneficial to both of you. Your children will eventually grow up and become more self-sufficient and as a result come to respect your efforts to do what you can on your end. In the end, this will make them stronger individuals rather than to learn later on that mom and dad called it quits without even trying. Life has dealt you a hard hand, I understand that. But both of you can turn this into a big positive by drawing on your inner determination to overcome adversity. It can be done, it just takes the mutual commitment from you and your wife.

Dear Behongert,

You're wife has her thoughts on this situation, just as you do. It sounds like you are designating her altered behavior as being a direct result of your injury, and the changes you experienced thereafter. If you believe that she is reacting to your situation, then perhaps it's best to give her the freedom to do that, as long as you initiate some communication acknowledging that. In other words, talk to her about what you think she is doing, in a friendly way, and allow her to express herself to you in a calm manner. Afterwards, you can make a informed decision about how to best work with her toward a resolution that's beneficial to all parties. Communication will set you both free from the stress of trying to figure things out by yourself and give you relief from some of those "dark lonely thoughts" we all have when we feel detached. Communicating with her will allow things to open up, you'll be happy you did.

Don't make the mistake of thinking this can be done overnight. Initializing the first conversation with her, alone, and in a calm environment, will only establish the fact you are willing to openly communicate with her on these issues. She will appreciate that, but I would not expect any other result from this first "real conversation". It may take 3 or 4 of these brief "sit-downs" before she begins to open up, and until you are both communicating toward an effective result. After you see the beginnings of real communication, then you can actually start addressing resolution to the issues. This could take weeks and months. Don't rush the process once you get it going. It's like starting your car in 20 below-zero temperatures: If you drive off 10 seconds after you get it started, you will damage the engine. Let things warm up a little. If it's worth it to you, best to put in this effort now, rather than trying to catch up when it may be too late. If you wait too long, or if you try to "rush" her toward a resolution, then you might find yourself in failure-mode. Do this from a humble, kind and empathetic disposition. Don't be aggressive or argumentative; be patient and understanding with her. Remember, if it's true that your injury has changed the dynamics of the relationship, then you need to come from a place that represents this fact, so be kind! This will open things up for you at the very least, and I hope you will be in a more positive place in your relationship a few weeks or months from now.

I would not give up on your marriage yet. It takes an adjustment period when major changes of any kind happen in a relationship and that includes your health issues. Please remember that your wife and children still need you. Just because you are not physically able to do as much as you could before, it does not mean that you no longer can benefit them as a husband and dad. They need your loving emotional support and affection. They need your intellect to help them solve the problems that come up in life. They need your spiritual strength and example. They need you socially to talk to them, listen to them, have fun with them. Please talk to your wife about staying home more and trying to re-build your marriage and family life. There are a lot of things you can do together as hubby and wife and as a family. Explore new possibilities. Discover new ways to have fun together. Let your wife know you love her and your children and you want to make things work. Please know that she needs you and so do your children. I wish you blessings! And please don't despair -- medically, there may be a vast improvement for you in the future. Don't let this situation defeat you.

Behongert,

I have been in the same situation you are describing only as the wife with the disabled husband. My husband went through the same prob with his back and has had mulitple surgeries. Although it is a very difficult time for you, it does put a lot of stress onto her as well. When we get married and have children all we think about is having a "good life" with no disruptions. When things like this happen, we all as human beings are faced with the reality that life loves to throw us curve balls. Sometimes as unfortunate as it may be, we see the true colors in people. In her mind right now I'm sure all she is thinking about is the future and how you are all going to manage together and how this disablility will play out. It is a very confusing time and sometimes getting away from it may make it seem as though it isn't really happening. As your wife she should be there for you thru thick and thin no matter the outcome! You need to sit down with her and talk. She needs to understand how you feel and how much you need her through all of this. Your disability and the pain you are going thru mentally takes a toll on you. Knowing that she is there for you would make the recovery and healing process that much easier for you and the family. She however may not understand that, so making clear will help you to determine wether she is going to be there or not. If needed maybe suggest that she come with you to Dr appts if she doesnt already. That way she sees what is going on and feels as though she is involved. If you are a believer in counseling you might want to consider marriage counseling as well. It is very easy for you to fall into a downwars sprial and find yourself depressed. Make sure you are communicating everything to your Dr.'s and no matter what happens try your hardest to think positive! You have 2 babies that need you no matter what your situation is. I wish you the best of luck! If you would ever like to chat I'm all ears! My husband has had 4 surgeries and faces a lifetime of them...You are not alone.