Did she ever love me?

She did love you in the only way she knew how. She needed a savior and you were it. There are so many issues that she is still dealing with and trying to process, that she is trying to swim and feels like she's going to drowned anyway (and she's in the shallow end of the pool) You see, when so many things like what happened to her occur in one persons life, they don't know that they can stand up in the pool instead of exhaust themselves trying to stay afloat. While you were doing the best you could, she saw that some of your military training as threatening. While she had to be disciplined in her studies, the strict discipline of the military is a lifestyle, and some people who don't have nearly the same issues, cannot cope with it, much less if they have been abused and seen abuse. I would not be surprised if her brother assaulted her more than once but she repressed the memories. The only reason she may remember this one is because he got caught or something like that. I know that you are both Catholic, but she may only be going through the motions, are you sure that she truly believes that Jesus Christ is her one an only Savior? You need to try to help her work through this as best you can even if it doesn't save your marriage. Good luck to you both, you are in my prayers. Susu

Yes, she probably did love you at one time. Does she still love you now? Maybe, but in a different way.

The challenge with dating someone much younger then you is that you are different phases of your life. You are retired, and she is about to start her career.

yes, the past abuse may have had something to do with her life, but it may or may not have affected her all these years.

are you trying to decide if there is a chance you two will get back together?

Did it ever occur to you that she's just plain tired of you? Even with the short paragraph you wrote, the two things that stood out more than all the others are that you are "stern" when need be and somewhat controlling when need be. Probably not what she was looking for. You say you made a lot of sacrifices but people on the outside looking in would say she's the one who made the sacrifices if you were in the Air Force for several years of your marriage.

You make a point of her alleged disorders and disfunctional family members. That has absolutely nothing to do with this situation. That is your attempt to make it look like the divorce is somehow entirely her fault. Divorce is never one sole partner's fault.

To answer your primary question though; no, she never really loved you. When someone truly loves another, it is forever.

Kids need discipline. I'm Air Force, not a Marine! My discipline is fare and not excessive. Kids need to know right from wrong and to respect other peoples property, as well as other people. kids need to have manner too. The fact that she had no parental love from her father, sexually assulted by her brother and controlled by her mother, plus the anorexia in H.S. DID have an effect on this relationship! I gave up so much for her (career issues) when she applied to dental school and was accepted. My career suffered because I could no longer deploy like I had in the past. We had an infant son I I need to care for him while she was in school. She left dental school because the professors were to hard on her and she couldn't accept criticism. When you're use to getting straight A's and now B's and C's, it's devastating! Kinda like getting shot at and having to kil people--been there did that! After she left dental school, I supported her, encouraged her, that's what husbands do! We're suppose to stand by our wives and family. When she was accepted into the med school in 2001 I retired earlier than expected so we would be together as a family. I worked full time and took care of our son, home, etc while she focused on her studies. The day she graduated was the proudest day in my life! I was so happy for her, I cried! As soon as we began her residency things changed, for the worse. No affection, no words of kindness, no appreciation, just I need you to do this and that, be here for this and that ,give me this, I want, etc etc etc. What the heck happened? I know it's a two way street. I know I made some mistakes, but still? Marriage vows are SUPPOSE to MEAN SOMETHING! Catholics are subject to Canon Law (yeah right). You take an oath make a contract between God and your spouse to love one another forever. She never even sought help from the church or any of our Priest's. It would have been easier for me to understand her if she had sought church assistance or counseling, but nope. Just quit and runway like she did in H.S., Nursing School, Dental School, etc. Was she ever sincere about anything or were they all lies? She divorced me 8 months after giving birth to the twins! Don't they deserve to have their father present, what about or 11 year old son? Is it fare to him? I'm a good father to my kids. I love them more than my own life. I took great care of our oldest when sshe was in school all those years. What do I need to do to be loved and appreciated? It seems to me that I have to make a minumum of 100G per year so I can give her what she wants and expects. I'm sorry she is in debt up to her ears in student loans,; she's the one who wanted to be a Dr.! Yet she expects me to bail her out of the situation. Can't do especially now! Talking to her is like talking to a brick wall. She only listens to herself, not others. God forbid if you cross her too. Yes, I'm guilty of cooking, cleaning, taking care of the kids young and old. The daycare folks and babysitter knew me very well and thought I was a great dad. I was outside with the strollers often, shopped for clothes, had a baby with me wherever I went, except work of course. Super Dad the daycare folks called me. But where was the love from her? She didn't have time for me, even a hug and a thank you would be nice, everyday please! Wheres the affection that's suppose to be found in a loving relationship? That's right, she didn't see it in her parents, why the hell should this one be any different? I'm tired of being lied to, used, and under appreciated. God knows all and sees all.I'll have my reward when he calls me home someday. I have peace knowing that!

Thanks Susu. I'm sorry for your pain. You're a strong person and God has recognized that and rewarded you. Just one day at a time right? God Bless you and your family hon!

V/r...Jeff

I am okay with the pain, it is better now. Because remember what Paul said, "And He said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for My strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong."

2 Corinthians 12:8-10

If you have any special prayer requests on the future do not hesitate to let me know.

As Christ promised, "Again I say unto you, That if two of you shall agree on earth as touching any thing that they shall ask, it shall be done for them of my Father which is in heaven." Matthew 18:19-21

Peace be with you. Susu

Man I hate to lean on you Susu, but I just don't understand her? I never hit her but I did yell at her out of frustration on occasion. I said things that I now regret, but she JUST NEVER listened to me! I asked her and rarely TOLD her. I supported her, encouraged her, stood beside her, everything a good husband is suppose to do for his wife and more! I never denied her and gave her everything that I could give her. I worked full time, cooked, cleaned, did laundry, fed, played, bathed and changed babies. Where ever I went there was a baby attached to me. I looked at other men and saw that they had liberties on the weekends, ie golfing, motorcycle riding, fishing or boating, etc. For 7 years I made sacrifices for her so she could finish med school and her residency. I yelled at her when she was moving furniture around in the nursery when she was 6 months pregnate. The doc's told her to take it easy and stay off her feet because she was a high risk. She was jepordizing the lives of the babies because she wanted everything done NOW! She called me a loser once and I blew up on her for that, but I never hit her. It hurt me though. She made me sleep outside in my truck when a severe storm was heading for our area last year. She was afraid I was going to rape her. I've never forced her to do anything she wasn't in agreement with. Ever since she started her residency it seems like I'm not good enough for her. As soon as we arrived down here in TX things went to crap. I give and she takes, now she treats me like I'm a peon. The babies had tubes in their ears 2 days ago and I found out about it late that night after the surgery! Give me a break! They put them under general anestesia and my boy has a respriatory condition! I wasn't mad but I was hurt! My cousin is a PhD and she say's that Kathy is selfish and loves being dominate, because she has CONTROL! I'm the puppet and she's the puppetmaster. After all I did for her, this is how I'm treated? I just don't get it? I just don't understand how someone that supposedly loved you can be so cruel? Especially someone that use (USE) to go to Mass every Sunday, prayed the rosary, prayed novena's and acted like faith in God and Mary was important to her? Those were the good days, but they started to disappear during and after med school. I couldn't even get her to talk with anyone in the Parish. I showed her the Canon Law's and John Paul II teaching, who she dearly loves. Still, nothing. So now I'm starting to think that maybe I'm as bad as she says I am? I don't feel as I am, but I'm really starting to have my doubts at times? I don't believe in divorce, never have, never will. Adults are suppose to work things out for the sake of the children and act as role models for them and others. If I was that bad and a Priest had confirmed what Kathy was saying about me, then I would have made every effort to change for the better, but she would have to also! It's always a 2-way street! You have to meet in the middle somewhere right? I guess I wasn't worth the effort? Kathy will not admit that she has faults and has Never freely spoke to me about her faults, but only how she has been a victim. Me; I cuss to much and have looked at Playboy and Penthouse, but thats it! No clubbing, drinking, smoking, cheating, drugs or gambling, just work and then home. Now I ask you; Can I be loved? I'm above average looking and can still fit into a 36 inch waist pants. I still have all my hair too. I'm not a hairy or stinky and my teeth are farely straight, and I make 60G/yr. I just don't get it or women anymore? What's wrong with our society today? I love being married, it's a vocation and i fit the bill, but maybe I take it for advantage? I don't know?

Thanks for your prayers Susu. I can always use some. I'll keep you in mine as well. God Bless!

V/r Jeff

I want you to realize that it is not you. You may not have handled things in the best way, but no one ever handles every situation correctly. If she is now domineering, it is because once she realized she could be, then she thrived on the power. She didn't have control when her brother assaulted her, and now she has taken it too far. With you trying to be understanding and by helping herself to get a medical degree, she now sees herself as superior to you, and not an equal. Marriage should be about equality, not about who makes more money or has the higher education.
It is my belief that when someone refuses to speak with anyone in their church/Parish it is not because they don't want people to know their business, but that they know there is a good possibility that the person they talk to will see through the crud, and call them out. Even victims have to admit they have faults. I know I do. I admit when I am wrong, and that is at least once a day. If you don't admit your faults then you become arrogant and cannot progress in any relationship. She may not have ever believed all the things in the Catholic religion, but yet practiced it because she knows something is missing that she longed for. But if you do not truly have the Heart for Jesus then eventually that life becomes a lie you can no longer live. We just need to pray for her.
She is most likely going to continue to blame you in order to justify her wanting a divorce. If she wants one, there isn't much you can do to stop it at this point I'm sorry to say. However, you do need to take some control back. You need to sit down with her and tell her that you will give her the divorce but here are the rules. Then list them. The following are rules I laid down with my ex prior to getting divorced.

1) You will not talk bad about me and I will not talk bad about you (even if you try to agree to not do it in front of the kids, one of 2 things will happen. Either you will slip up and do it, they may be in another room and overhear it; or you will say something to someone who will then repeat it back to the kids) Adult problems are not the kids problems and all this does is ruin their lives, so tell her that if she truly loves her kids, protect them at all costs.

2) I will try to be flexible with visitation as long as we discuss it in advance and you do not abuse it. If she wants the kids on a holiday weekend that you were suppose to have them on, and she gives you enough notice then you will try to work out a compromise, however if she continually tries to get them on all the holidays, or deny you access, then you will make her adhere firmly to the court order.

3) You will both be civil to each other in front of the children. Just because your relationship has dissolved, does not mean that they have to suffer for it. Children need to see healthy examples of people moving on.

4) Tell her that you want to sit down together with the kids and make sure they understand as best they can that this is in no way their fault. That mommy and daddy are still friends but they cannot be friends if they stay in the same house.

Remind her about how her mother turned her and her siblings against their father. If she tries to say that didn't happen, then remind her that you know the truth, and what you know about the situation. How else would you have been able to state in your original post that her mother did this if you didn't have prior knowledge? Remind her of how it hurt her that she didn't have a father figure in her life. Does she really want that for her kids? Even if she remarried, that is no substitute for a biological father that loves them.

As far as can you be loved? Yes you can. I do urge you however to give up the girly magazines, not only because they are detrimental to relationships, but also because Jesus said in Matthew 5:28 (King James Version) "But I say unto you, 'That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.' " As for the cussing, when a man cusses in front of his family it makes them feel like they are not respected and diminishes their feelings of sel-worth, even if it is not directed toward them. So work on those parts as you try to move on.

Again if you need anything or have queations please let me know, God bless, Susu