Am I Too Hard On Him?

This is my first time asking for help in a forum like this so I feel a little nervous. My husband and I have been married for 5 years and we have a wonderful 3-year-old son. We had a lot of problems the first two years of our marriage, mostly stemming from his ex and video games, but we’ve worked through those issues. So you'd think I'd be happy and things should be great right? It's just that it seems like he always downplays everything I do, from keeping up the house to the money I make etc. He never says this but its the way he acts, I almost always have to ask him to do things around the house or at work, yes we work together too, he never does it on his own and then there's a 50/50 chance I'll have to redo it or do it because he constantly forgets everything I ask him to do. I know this sounds small and petty, but add that to all the house work, finances, yard work, well everything, its too much. Basically the gist is I feel like I can’t count on him to help with anything.
I don't expect him to be perfect and I know there's been times that he's asked me to do things and I've forgotten or screwed up, but I've always bent over backwards to fix it, I guess I'm just tired of his 'oh well, sorry' attitude. Most of the time I don’t even say anything, but God forbid, if I confront him about it, he always says "I’ll never be good enough for you," pretty much the same argument he's used our whole relatio

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Answer 1 / 5 - Submitted 52 days ago...

worthenks

New User (2)

Nship. Any sound advice would be appreciated.

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Answer 2 / 5 - Submitted 52 days ago...

nitakiz

Contributor (103)

Let up on him and hire the yard to be mowed and if you cannot keep the house work up by yourself, then hire someone to do that too. See how that works for you.

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Answer 3 / 5 - Submitted 52 days ago...

lvmy_aaam

Contributor (178)

Marriage is never easy. It is a constant give and take. Constant compromise. You know, when you're a little girl and think of your future husband, and married life...it all seems so perfect. That's just not reality. Marriage is difficult. It's work.
Men, well...they are not always the most understanding bunch of characters. They don't see things the way we do as women. I completely understand your concerns, they are very normal. Everything is always okay for him, and not for you. The expectations of what you are supposed to do, are always above and beyond anything you could ever ask him to do or expect of him.
Unfortunately this is where many of us fail in society....we typically stay in a relationship, and marry the person that has shown all of these behaviors. He doesn't see anything wrong with the way he is, because he hasn't changed. He has always been this way with you. It was okay before but isn't now. Thus when you bring it up....he reverts to the classic answer of "I'll never be good enough". I would suggest that you back off of the subject with him, and by that I mean don't "confront" him. The thought of confronting him with this topic, will only make things worse because he will naturally become defensive. I know this is going to sound horrible....but in my opinion you are going to have to make this change in him very gradual. Don't expect leaps and bounds over night. You are wanting him to change his character. Give him one small thing at a time to do, or help with. Gradually, move up to bigger, more important things.

You have taken care of him, spoiled him. He may not take well to the unspoiling process. Don't be rude about what you are asking him to do. Don't get mad if he doesn't do it right. Nobody does things exactly the way you would, you can only hope that they get close or actually do better than you expected. Be thankful of what he does do. Show him that you appreciate his efforts.

The way he is with you, and how you don't matter as much as he does....what you do and accomplish will always be second best to him. He is the man, his ego needs to feel good.

If you can get him to go to counseling with you, that would be great. The person you see will be able to evaluate both sides of the story, and help you understand each other, and guide you both through these concerns.

Don't automatically jump to thinking or feeling that you are done, or over the relationship. You obviously love him and that's why you're reaching out for help. Understand who he is as a person. You married him, accepting who he is good and bad. He did the same with you. Do all you can to work through this, remember he is not perfect. He is being the man that you married. You know what you do, you know your worth, and so does he....he just doesn't know how to express those feelings the way you want him to. Remember, if he has stayed with you, and continues to want to be your husband...he obviously loves YOU.....why do you think that is? It's because he sees who you are and what you have to offer him. He knows he has a good thing with you. Give him credit for that! :-)

Good luck to you. I know it's hard. Work together, with him. The two of you are teammates in life, not opponents. I hope I was able to help you.

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Answer 4 / 5 - Submitted 52 days ago...

Laotian842

Expert (729)

I'm a little curious as to why his first marriage broke up. Unfortunately, you're going to have to go with his side of the story. I'd also like to know what kind of upbringing he had. It sounds like this is a pattern that goes way back. It's very possible that his parents (and siblings?) enabled him, and if that's the case, you're in trouble, because a lifetime pattern is going to be very difficult to change. It can be done, but like answer #3 said, it might have to be done in baby steps, and it sounds like your patience is wearing thin. At a certain point, you'll just mentally check out, and that's not a good thing either. I don't think he truly appreciates you for what you have to offer, because it sounds like everyone else around him simply gave in and finished the job when he got to a certain point, and he's basically expecting you to do the same. When you confront him, he gives the same defensive answer because a) he doesn't understand the concept of equality in teamwork, and b) he's come to learn that this tactic succeeds in getting you to back off. Working together makes it worse because you have to endure this behavior much more often than other couples. In your case, the phrase "Familiarity Breeds Contempt" truly applies. You have a few choices: You can accept it (not recommended), you can put your foot down and let it escalate into a heated argument (not the best option), or . . . you can pull the same thing on him when it comes to a task, request, project etc that's important to him, and after he pitches a fit, you can firmly tell him that this is what you have to put up with A-L-L....T-H-E....T-I-M-E. God willing, it will hit him like a gut punch to the stomach. Sometimes people need to get a taste of their own medicine.

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Answer 5 / 5 - Submitted 45 days ago...

valerie23

Beginner (10)

Well i think that you are being to hard on him,just give him some space,the more you help him out,the more your pushing him away,give him time,let him do things his way,he will come around and you will see the change in him ,you just have to be patience and trust him that he can do better.

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Submitted 45 days ago...

dogadept

Authority (586)

You need to address the issue assertively. This technique will make it a lot easier for you when dealing with your significant other and others like him, you most certainly will come across your lifetime.

Most of the time it is HOW you approach someone than WHAT you actually tell someone. In your frustration it is very likely that you have approached him in a manner that he perceives as an attack. Most people will get on the defensive when confronted, but will be less likely to be defensive if approached assertively. If you are assertive with him, he will receive and understand your message in the way you had intended. Look at the following, for instance:

"Johnny, here you are playing video games again when the yard needs to be mowed, the trash taken out and the baby fed. What the hell is your problem! You don't get it do you?"

Any of the above, a combination or similar approach will get him on the defensive. Notice the use of "you, your and Johnny" - all these are pointing in his direction. In his mind, he is in the line of fire, not that he screwed up and needs to take care of something. Here he is having a good time and you "interrupted" this good time just to "nag him". You need to attack the problem not the person.

I understand your frustration. You see things that need to get done, you just got home from work and you are tired and he is just not fulfilling his end of the bargain. Bite your lip, take a deep breath, slowly count to 10, now look at the man that you love, remember that you want a positive outcome - not an argument, and then proceed to address the problem.

Regardless if you believe in gender roles, this holds true:

1. A man needs to feel wanted/needed. You need to recognize and praise him when he does something good. Positive reinforment is a tool used to reinforce good behavior and eliminate bad behavior; it builds self-esteem and inspires the individual.
2. He needs to feel in charge. At the moment he feels challenged by your stance to take charge and get things done. Of course, you just can't sit back and wait for things to take care of themselves, but you can change your approach and let him get back on the team and be a team player again or even better - a team leader.
3. Breadwinner. If he was brought up in a family where traditionally the men are the breadwinners, then he could feel his role "threatened". It has nothing to do whether you agree or disagree with this notion or whether he is right or wrong to perceive it this way. You need to be aware or this possibility and be more understanding. This is where you come in to "rehabilitate" his mindset.

Look out for the smallest of things that he does around the house, point them out and thank him and even praise him for a good job. Don't overdo it because he can misinterpret your intentions. Try to develop better communication with him. The more open your communication is the more you will be able to address problems headon - TOGETHER.

Try to develop a more positive mindset when dealing with problems like these and take control of your emotions. If you are frustrated and angry, your judgement could be impaired and your choice of words and facial expression could themselves be counterproductive. Good luck!

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