Tips for getting along with boyfriend when i move in

Try speaking intelligently to each other. Use your brain to diffuse an argument instead of spewing out a bunch of angry mumbo jumbo. Don't let him make you upset or chances are you'll say something you'll regret.

This answer was edited by YEEEEEEEEhaw 40 days ago.

Reason: .

In my marriage, we have what is called bringing it to the table. this is a place where all views are heard and an intelligent converversation happens. there are ground rules.
1 no raising voices
2 anything can be addressed
3 you must listen to what the other is saying
4 this is a safe ground so respecting each other is number one.
5 if no solution is reached, there must be a compromise
6 conversation at the table is private

It is ok to set ground rules down for your relationship when you move in also. these are ours you may get a few ideas from them.
1 money is kept separate. we each have our own accounts and we have one shared account for bills. we each pay half.
2 no chaos. if chaos happens then i hand him a beer and tell him i am bringing it to the table
3.respect each other
4 if he ever touches me in anger i will defend myself then end the relationship. (I don't have this problem but it had to be said)

So you feel after four years that things are at a point where, perhaps, it is easy to forget why you are in love?
I've read a lot about this. Having been in enough 'rocky' relationships in the past. I recently read some really interesting solutions regarding conflict resolution within relationships.

Firstly, you have to both want to co-exist better, and both want to make things work.

Secondly, let's identify some general things about men and women! Men tend to get defensive and are stubborn. Women tend to get emotional.

Some tips to eliminate this situation:

1. Begin the issue as a conversation, and if you have a problem which must be addressed (which sounds like it given that you mentioned you are arguing a lot recently), approach it with his permission. "Can we spend some time at some point to talk about something?" or "may i ask you something?" Asking permission is a wonderful way to set a climate of respect and mutual diplomacy before things even get to the issue at hand.

2. Begin with a positive goal. "I'd like to talk about this because i think it will build trust between us and will really make me feel like we can cmmunicate better" -something like that. Start with a positive goal which is for the RELATIONSHIP itself!

3. When addressing the issue, be sure to maintain a perspective of " I feel" not "you": "I feel frustrated when [this happened] and it feels like i am not respected" - Remeber - men get defensive. ;)

4. A big one: it is OK to disagree! When we argue, if things get personal or angry, it's over. Stop. Walk away. Begin once again at the top; with something positive. "can we talk please? i think it is important to try to resolve our issue so we can be closer again, i really want us to clear the air". Or "i love you and I really want us to be great living together, this will really help" then begin again. Remember the difference between disapproval, and a disagreement! It is OK to disagree on something. When we make our partner feel like we disapprove, they take it personally: which means they feel that you don't like something about them, which leads to guards up, and a shut down. Remember it is ok to agree to disagree! Opinions are fine to differ. We must seperate this from making our partner feel inadequate or wrong for feeling the way they do about something. With disagreement, we simply respect their opinion but agree not to agree with it.

5. Touch. Hold hands when discussing something. Eye contact. You must fix things, do it with compassion, understanding and let each person talk.

6. Do NOT get emotional! Is it fair for a man to become angry and scary? throw his weight around? (which we do sometimes when we feel defensive and un loved)? No it is not. does this help matters? No it does not. And men can be scary in this state. PS - if he gets that way, the conversation must end till later when all is calm again. Walk away. Do NOT attempt to discuss it further. As before, start again. Affirm a positive atmosphere, a goal, and start again.
As it is wrong for HIM to become angry, it is wrong for the woman to become emotional and start crying. This is very frustrating for a man. When a woman cries, the issue is deflected and simply not addressed. The man must learn to console you, a loving touch, but wait till you're calm to resume. Try not to get emotional. He might take this as an attempt to get out of addressing his issue, which could frustrate him. It's about mutual listening!

The goal here is to NOT get frustrated. REMEMBER: if he gets defensive with you, it is NOT you. It is his insecurity. You simply must listen to eachother. Another brilliant tactic is to quote back the issue to him:

Him: 'you never listen to me it's always the same, whats the point."

You: 'so you feel that, cos we argue, i am not listening, which probably makes you feel like we just go round and round and it frustrates you to not resolve things, too."

Wow. See what you did? you heard him. Suddenly, he heard you listen to him. This is excellent in conflict resolution. You are rising above his insecurity, remaining calm, (because we've established it is not your fault if he loses it) and you proved you heard his frustration. Now there's respect there. The goal of course is to get him to do the same for you.

. dont fight defensiveness with defensiveness.

.If it gets angry, STOP.

.Cyle: positive intent, permission. Issue. Listen. Touch. Agree to diagree..listen. Thanks eachother for sharing after its over. LOVE eachother!

then finally, make a pledge to eachother what you will both do to fix it:

HIM: "i promise to keep the place more clean so you dont feel like you are going to be moving in with a 30 year old man-boy-slob. since you work so hard to clean and keep our home nice." Thats a good one for him. ;)

I dont know what you argue about, but given men are stubborn defensive and angry, women are emotional, if he pays you respect and listens, and you listen to him, both work to address eachothers problem with repect and compassion, you will both see amazing results.


I hope this helps. This is a lot! but it really works.


Good luck!

Well hun it depends on what you are fighting about? Is it that your just getting settled with each other that the honeymoon stage is over which is usually the first 3 months or so of the relationship. Remember to comprimise but only whats fair! Try not sweat the small stuff , theres many books out there for couples, such as how not to sweat the small stuff and what not....if this doesnt help perhaps counselling would do you both some good!....Good Luck.... also i don't think things would get better at all it would only get worst. you must fix things before you move in with him if you move in when its probelm like this all what going happen is that you by each other more to fight.