Whats the best chance to get her back?

Well it sounds like your wife is unsure of her feelings and is being honest with you about that. Seeing each other sometimes can be a good thing,couples split and remain friends while trying to work things out. The thing that concerns me in this is the fact that you already are going to councling and she wants to get settled into her apartment first. Then while continuling to see each other you start to lose commuacation,then you find she is not being honest with you about what she has found out about how she feels and that is not a good thing if she cannot tell you. Then your starting to not trust her these are all negative signs for getting back together. You might want to give yourself and her space. Talk to her and try to decde where you both want this to go. Give yourselves a month of councling and then get together for dinner and just talk see how your doing. She may find she misses you to much and want to come back home, and if she feels the same after a month of not seeing you then you will have to decide if you want to continue in the relationship. It does not wotk over nite but you should see some signs withih a month.

I have asked her about couples counceling but she is adimint about getting herself in to counceling first. She has agreed to come with me regularly to my sessions. I'm hoping this will be about every few weeks but I'll consult my counselor. I am also looking for any sign of hope that she still loves me. I've been clinging on to everything but so much of it is left to interpritation. A couple nights ago however we were at some fireworks and she was lightly touching me several times more then what friends would. She also cuddled up to me. Granted it was cold and rainy but it still felt like something. Could this be hope? If not what was it? Any help is appreciated.

Please help

You didn't say what it was she figured out, but I assume it was personal. I am very worried for you though. A similar thing happened to some friends of mine. They had been married around 6 years, and things seemed fine. She even brought him up on stage to sing to him and profess her undying love at a show she and I were doing in November that year. Then right after Christmas she blindsided him with a bombshell that she wasn't sure if she was still in love with him or not. She got her own apartment but she agreed to couples counseling. She then brought up problems with intimacy that she never told him bothered her. She made up several accusations about him to the counselor. Yet she continued to sleep with him when it was convenient for her, thus sending him mixed signals. She finally told him she wanted a divorce. Turns out she ws sleeping with a married guy at work and decided she was in love with him and thought they were going to get married. He did leave his wife but put off divorcing her stating that he was trying to protect his child, and finances. Once my friends' divorce was final he dropped her. He then divorced his wife and married a girl he had been living with almost the entire time. My friends' ex-wife remarried, divorced and re-married again (nearly three years ago).
You shouldn't have to ask questions to find out what's wrong. I am worried that she is hiding something, but I could be wrong.
As for individual counseling... why? Did she say something was wrong with you? Also, why does she have to wait to be settled to get counseling? Either it's important to her or it's not. If you do not do joint counseling there are 2 things you need to realize.
1) You have no way to know if she is even going.
2) You don't have a clue as to what she is saying about you, and cannot therefore defend yourself, nor even understand what is truly going on.
I hope this isn't the case for you, but I urge you to guard your heart. God bless, Susu

She's never given me a reason not to trust her so I have no choice but to do so. This is also part of our issues. Over the last i'd say 9mo things have been tough between us. About 6mo ago she sat me down and pointed out the fact that I had been neglection her. I began changing things but by that time she had thrown up her defenses. She handled it by telling herself that the affection and attention didn't matter and that she didn't want it. So in my eyes she became kind of distant. At the same time she realized that we both needed to make more time for ourselves individually. She was right. I didnt understand that at the time though. We had become overly dependent upon each other. I became very suspisious of everything she did and became very insecure. Our communication broke down and she threw up her defences, i threw up mine until it snowballed to now. On a positive note things seem to have gradually gotten better over the last week. She really seems to want to see and talk to me. She hugs me and each time it lasts a little longer. I've come to believe that she still does love me. She may not know it but i believe she does. My friends think that I need to almost distance myself a bit more. When we talk only talk about what we need to. Basically let her come to me. An analogy someone told me was that right now she is in the drivers seat and i'm in the trunk and i need to at least get to the passenger seat. Right now she knows i will be there and doesn't have to worry about that aspect of it. If she starts to question this then it will help to bring her around. I know that this is probably this best road but I still want as much as she is willing to give me.

Thank you for your advice. I've never been a real religous man but I would say more spiritual. I have found comfort in praying though. I just wish I knew where she was coming from. I understand her need for seperation. I have also come to the conclusion that in a way she is spoiled and I did that. She is use to me giving in to her. Not to say that she got everthing she wanted but more emotionally I gave in to her way to frequently. Without getting into too much detail I'm almost certain at this point that she does love me as a wife and that things will work out. I guess I believe she is either in denial of her feelings or confused about her feelings. I guess either way its tough playing the waiting game. Each day seems to bring something different and I thank god that I have my friends and family through all of this. Thanks again for that advice.

You are welcome, and just remember "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" Philippians 4:13. Good luck and I will continue to lift you both up in prayer, Susu